The Adventures of Salazar Slytherin
by Basium1
Summary: A prequel to a story that features Harry and Salazar in a mentor-student relationship/Featuring angry goblins, sexy nymphs, and an alcoholic pair of rowdy boys who wouldn't take back their adventures and the enemies that they made for them for a chance at peaceful lives as an awesome professor of the next generation—oh wait!—DO NOT OWN HARRY POTTER
1. Chapter 1

The Marvelous Misadventures of Salazar Slytherin

A prequel to a story that features Harry and Salazar in a mentor-student relationship

* * *

"Godric, shh, shh, shh…" Putting his finger tips to his friends lips, Salazar leaned forward and continued, "It'll be awesome, you need an awesome thingy since…"

"You're a ball muncher." The other man had a feral gleam in his eyes, one that promised a fist fight.

"Right, right, I shouldn't bring up that stupid ritual…"

"Stu—stupid! I sacrificed my ability to use _magic_ to give you and the girls—" He jerked his head to the passed out women who would have cursed him for calling them that. "—Ancient and Noble traits!"

"Shh, shh, shh… relax and piss off the goblins."

"I'mma kill those goblin fuckers!" He said, getting so much louder.

"Shh, shh… what if we—hear me out—what if we, uhh… oh! Let's steal one of their swords!" Salazar continued without hesitation, "You can't use magic anymore and need an awesome weapon… damn, I'm too drunk to do this, man…"

"What if we steal a sword from the goblins?"

"That'd be awesome!" Salazar spread his arms, nearly losing his balance, "If only I could think of something that cool…"

"I miss those days…" Godric whimpered for a moment. "Let's go now, these dogs are getting annoying to look at and Rowena…"

She released a nasty belch of fire.

"Yeah, those dumb girls will think we're so cool!" Salazar smiled brightly. "Do you think we should sober up first?"

"Salazar, I haven't had an adventure in years…" He sighed wistfully. "What if we get drunker and do it?"

"Let's pack and be merry!"

"What about…"

"We'll bring those sissies something too… they'd probably try to stop us and then we'll be like… beat that!"

"Shh… they might wake up…"

"Shh, shh, they'll be pissed we didn't bring them. Lessgo!" He finished his bottle and ran out of the room.

"Wai—wait… we—we need a plan!" The curly haired man in question stumbled in an attempt to follow.

"Wait, we need to bring all of our whiskey."

"What if we get them drunk?"

"You're such a genius! If we bring all of our whiskey we can fight them no problems… should I bring my wand?"

"If you bring your wand you can make—uh…"

"Illusions?"

"No."

"Umm… how about making their armor dance with them still in it?"

"Naw…"

"What if I… make… booms?"

"Yeah, explosions would be awesome!"

"Explosions? You're so awesome, let's go now!"

_And they did…_

* * *

"Hey, Godric, nice sword!"

"Yeah, I'mma name her Godric Gryffindor…"

"Naw, Bonehilda."

"Bonehilda… Bonehilda…"

"That's an awesome name!"

"Yeah, it's a good thing I'm a genius!"

"Only when you're drunk, old friend…"

"Oi!"

"He-ey… don't swing that thing at me!"

"I'mma hurt ya… I'm not old!"

"Walk all the way home, jerk!"

_POP_

* * *

Salazar Slytherin hated one fact of life. It had to do with a certain basilisk he had hatched last month.

"Wake up, foul creature, you must feed me!" Every single snake he had encountered in his lifetime since being granted the ability to speak to snakes was a cocky, spoiled little shit. It was admirable that they never begged.

"But, Tegan…"

"I'm going to _hurt_ you if don't give me that beast that the screechy creature has."

"I'm not feeding you Rowena's cat."

"No, the one that flies."

"Oh, Helga's owl?" Salazar slapped the snake off of his chest.

"Why, I oughtta…"

"Shut up, you're just a hatchling, now open wide and eat these rats!" He specially bred them… he found them so sweet and loyal after a few generations. He silenced Tegan's feeding area and dropped them into her mouth, one by one. "Do your thing."

She mercifully took his command and left his room's open door; he lay back, smiling at his ceiling enchanted ceiling.

"Salazar! It's awful, so awful!" A sobbing Rowena ran in, ruining his attempt at relaxation.

"Let me ask… is there _another_ infestation of fleas in your extra breast cups?"

"Wha—no! It's Godric, he's been kidnapped!" She didn't deny it.

"Uh-huh."

"He can't do magic anymore, Salazar." He hated when they did that, treating his best friend as an invalid because he had given them gifts from magic itself. It had cost him the instinct that made them special… Salazar rolled over. "Slytherin, you are the _worst_ friend—"

"He has a sword." Her breath sucked in.

"What did you do?"

"Ugh, my head…"

"We both know you drink a lot of water when you get drunk, you—you… twat!" She closed the distance between them, "What did you do?"

"I'm not getting up." She made a mistake. Tegan was a fast beast and didn't like females on him, so when Rowena reached forward to roll him over.

"Eek!" _Before the touch, a slap interfered…_

"You _know_ how Tegan is with me!" Salazar scolded. The basilisk in question began growling—growling?

"Get up!" Salazar bit back the smarter retort and answered:

"I'm saying this once, I trust him and if he doesn't come back in three days I'll go save him myself."

"We're coming with you." Helga stated sharply as she answered the room. "I don't know what nonsense you talked him into—"

"Of course the conniving bastard would convince his best mate to a suicide mission. Get out, if he isn't back in three days, we're raiding some goblin camps for hostages." With those words in place, Salazar pulled his blankets over himself. "Out."

"Please—" Salazar had fallen asleep.

* * *

"Sir Salazar, where is Sir Gryffindor?"

"He'll be back." It had been a month and the goblin camps had moved within the days he had promised to retrieve his friends. "I'll be teaching you for now."

"Yes, sir."

It was a lovely day and he wished that he had a stronger will on the nights that they drank. The best in potions was none other than Godric and…

"WOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"What's your name?" Salazar shouted gleefully as he sprinted to the bicorn riding man.

"Say my name!"

"God-ric Gryf-fin-dor!" He shouted as Godric leapt off the bicorn. Salazar beheaded the wily beast before it could properly attack the students.

The drunken rage overtook him, "Oi, that took me _three_ _days_ to catch!"

"You're drunk."

"Here, the centaurs gave me some." Salazar took a swig and nearly spat up the contents, he swayed for a moment. "You're drunk too…"

"You know what we should do?" He noted the sight on his friend's hip… "Man, the goblins will behead us each, you have like…" He hesitated counting for a moment, "Eight heads there!"

Okay, the world was swaying and—and…

"I got eight here? I thought I only picked up four…"

The students were approaching…

"I want a bicorn!" Salazar whined, "Why didn't you get me? Oi, watch where you're swinging that sword!"

"You ponce! I was in there for three days! Do you know how goblins torture their prisoners?"

"I don't—"

"I watched them breed for _three days_ _straight_!"

"I thought you liked animal—"

"Don't say it or I'm chopping your dick off." Everyone of their male students flinched back, "Anyway—"

"Husbandry."

"Mother of Trolls, I'll kill you!"

Salazar was running to the forest with his wand out while laughing like a maniac. He shouted back—"You should have got me something, too, prick!"

A dagger in a bejeweled holster of emeralds flying at him was his answer.

* * *

This is how I imagined Gryffindor stealing his sword from the goblins. Originally I was going to title this "The Poor Gaunts", and explain that the thievery of Godric Gryffindor is the reason for the alternative title. The goblins don't seem to be a forgiving or patient people—hey! Someone should do a one shot dedicated to the goblins cheating Harry out of his gold for each stupid question he asks.

Anyways, I hope you enjoyed and now look forward to the rest, it won't be told in any particular order just flashes of Salazar Slytherin that I like to think he went through in his life.

The only somewhat serious one will be Salazar leaving.

So, go to Gringotts and say Godric Gryffindor and his little friends were awesome for stealing that _ugly sword_… see how long your head stays on your body!

If you'd like to be my Harry Potter beta or mentor me in writing action scenes send me a PM.


	2. Chapter 2

"Nah, man, it'll be funny… your hat will be awesome." Salazar inhaled some of the centaur smoke. "It'll… talk…"

"Nah, it should do something cool—hey, we should make a talking hat!"

"I _love_ your ideas!" Godric took the pass, taking tWo inhales. "Where did you guys get this stuff again?"

"Centaur stuff… there's this thing called a moon gate and I—"

"I want a talking hat!" Rowena whined, interrupting their host and never once looking at Helga's passed out form. "I say we should do it, it'll do the stupid stuff we have to do!"

"Yeah, like—I don't know… what do we do when the students aren't around?"

"It's not doing this." Godric grumbled by way of honesty.

"I say it should… handle the students!"

"Aww, yeah." Helga moaned amidst her wet dream. "Keep them coming…"

"I say we should make it say Helga's house is for the leftovers." Salazar sneered as things got awkward.

"Aye." Godric looked slightly green as things escalated.

"Agreed." A passing centaur was having his leg ground into by her pelvis and—"Not even _I'd_ do that."

"You are a dirty whore, Rowena… don't ever forget that." She glowed under Godric's praise, having taken more in her lips then all four could eat. "Anyways, what else should it say?"

"I think it'll say my house is slimey and sneaky."

"My house is… study stuff."

"I'm courageous!" Rowena slapped his arm and sneered:

"You idiot, we _want_ them to feel bad!"

"Naw, girl," Godric blocked her fist. "We should definitely make something smart, like_ brash_ and _bold_ for Gryffindor!"

"Ooh! _Studious_ and—um…"

"Think about it." Godric said soothingly as her face pinched up. "Salazar?"

"Sneaky yet loyal."

"Wow, that's so _deep_!" Rowena's sex face came on and Salazar shuddered.

"Listen, Rowena—"

"Hey, our stuff is done!" They were offered another pipe's worth and the conversation continued.

Good ole Godric…

"What if I… um…" Helga was sucking on the centaur's leg now. "Okay, she missed by too much."

Her kisses were working their way up…

"Um… whose hat are we using?"

"Godric has one right now."

"But Alistair is—"

"You've got to stop naming your stuff." Helga snorted as the centaur got sick of her and kicked her off. She landed perfectly and Godric rolled his eyes.

"It's how I show my love."

"How _is_ basium[1]?"

"You…" Godric's eyes grew wide and for a moment Salazar thought he'd let it slide.

"ACK!"

* * *

"You've learned nothing." Godric spat five minutes later. "Go, and return when I'm calmer."

"Fine—make that stupid thing without me, our top enchanter."

"Wait—"

_POP_

He was too messed up to bother making himself go to the castle. Landing on a bush, he released a cry as solid green eyes surrounded him, "Don't fuck me to death!"

Their giggles filled the night.

* * *

Bruised from the hickeys each nymph had given him… "It's over!" He turned to leave, grateful that they had passed out and—

"You missed one." An annoyed voice sneered. "Do you not remember me?"

"Huh?" He looked back, meeting a lovely pair of blue eyes that left him breathless. He immediately looked down to her ample cleavage. "Ah… Melissae. I shall run now!"

He jumped tree roots and random puddles of mud. Who could blame him?

Melissae was a nasty piece of work. Never did anyone who lay with her survive, not even his father. He stumbled at the thought, _father was strong…_ and it was something he was not, something father had reminded him of and—"Boo."

_POP_

For a moment he was free, high up in a tree looking for his home, Hogwarts.

"Do you not want pleasures beyond our world, human?"

_POP_

A few more apparitions and…

"Eek!"

"Your father didn't cry, didn't fight, and accepted the inevitable." She wrapped her arms around him, not once did her words make him cry—_I won't cry, I won't cry—_"It's okay to be weak, little human."

He broke down. "Why did you take him?"

"A lost a bet… the goblins have quite a price on your head… that other little boy will due nicely as well." He was Salazar Slytherin, sneaky little snake bastard of Hogwarts.

"We just meant it in challenge, m'dear. It was all in good fun, we're going to return it as soon as possible." Alistair would be awesome with those enchantments on Bonehilda. "Won't you send my message to them?"

"Hmm, you truly are an idiot." She let go and disappeared in a burst of light. He took a deep breath, absorbing some of the magic around him and apparated to the edge of his home where he laid out his plans.

* * *

_There was now a pile of gold from the highest bidding goblin clan, which lead to Godric bursting into tears, and Salazar showing off his special surprise as soon as the Goblin parties had gone. _

* * *

"You are _so_ bad." Helga giggled as Alistair watched them with fascination.

"He's happy now." Indeed, it had been a _great_ idea to enchant each of their goblin made weapons to be summoned through Godric's hat.

"I can't believe he's still kissing it though."

"Shh…" Salazar said in warning.

"_Bonehilda_ has a _name_ and _she_ knows what you're saying!" Salazar sighed and looked up at Godric's enchanted ceiling, wishing for _his_ ceiling. They had different tastes, you see.

His father had been a womanizer, he had even encouraged Salazar to take the mantel of the Slytherin name.

"Heh, _slither-in_." Where Godric loved watching battles playing out in and around him, Salazar adored his carefully animated sex scenes.

"Hey, where'd you get that from?" Salazar looked at his dagger. "Why didn't we get one?"

"You had to be there!" Godric growled, "Don't be an idiot, Helga!"

"Is he drunk?" Rowena sighed and stepped out along with Salazar.

"She's doomed."

"Yep."

"Hey…"

"Yeah?"

"Would you ever…?" She trailed off.

"I know what happened, I'm not an idiot." She flinched and looked down. "I suppose for one night I can pretend to love a woman with my heart."

* * *

_Who could _ever_ blame Rowena?_

Salazar had known from the fact that she couldn't turn away any man, the way she sought out approval in such a lewd and dirty way, and even the way she was confused at the idea of such a thing as platonic affection that her childhood had been similar to his in a far worse way.

"I don't hate you, you know."

"I'm dirty, Salazar."

"I don't love you like that, Rowena, I never will." She giggled, used to this territory. "I still care though."

"Don't lie to me." She scolded, looking at a particularly vibrant picture of two women licking each other. At least she understood the first part.

"I'll never willingly abandon you, Rowena. Don't think for a moment I don't consider you a friend." He sat up, shoving her from his bed. "Out, I have things to do in the morning, you see."

"I care too." She lifted her robes and dressed herself with the grace of a cat. "I'm not sure how much yet."

She shot him a sad smile at his door, her lips struggling to twitch downwards as she remained firm.

"I'll never lie to you."

"You just did." She walked out and he could swear he heard a sob.

"I'm an idiot." He couldn't love her.

She would never understand such a thing in the first place.

* * *

[1] Basium—A kiss—Godric's name for his masturbation hand, don't ask which one.

Notes:

Sorry for the angst ridden ending but I was showing that I don't like the idea of Salazar/Rowena, hell, Salazar/Helga [even if that pairing makes more sense to me…].

I don't believe that any of the founders would ever see each other like that after a while. I mean, their lines aren't mingled in canon and I like to think of the idea that co-workers shouldn't date would apply to this situation.

I don't know why I made Rowena have such a dark past; perhaps I don't like the idea of all bookworms being prudes?

I have a similar, brighter past so maybe that's it.

There will be mainly limes mentioned, meaning no smut due to the rating I'm trying to keep, see you next time.


	3. Chapter 3

"Listen, Godric, I'm drunk and I _still_ think your _work of art_ is terrible!" A very sober Godric looked crestfallen, "I mean I now so hand me that water…"

"I worked so hard on it…" Salazar scowled, not at all liking the way his mate was becoming more womanly since his last ritual. He needed to be toughened up!

"It looks nothing like me, it looks like a manticore!"

"I tried to make you snake like?" Godric was clearly coming up with excuses and who would blame him?

"I look nothing like a snake, dumby." Salazar, of course!

"Here's your water!" Salazar fumbled with his catch and took a heavy swig before realizing that his friend was leaving, ugly statue and all.

"Don't leave me alone!" They were in the forest, attempting to escape the students while Helga focused on runes.

"I'm smashing this!"

"Wait!"

"It's a piece of trash!" Maybe he had been too harsh?

"Godric! I'll… keep it in the dungeons?"

"You _do_ like disciplining the children…"

"Don't tell Helga about it…"

"I say you should keep it in your common room!" The excitement on his face as he went to continue was easily crushed.

"I say it'll give the children nightmares…"

"I want people to see it." He still looked hopeful and Salazar knew what was to be said.

"I'll be punishing the students with this."

"But…"

"Stop being such a woman and take my critique like a man!"

"What was that?" Rowena's wand tip was lit.

"Give a drunken old man a knut?"

"You'll be losing yours!" Both men ran without hesitation while leaving the statue behind, deeper into the forest that Rowena never dared to enter.

Centaurs loved an angry human female, you see.

* * *

"Rowena, you dog!" Salazar wailed as soon as Godric was out of hearing distance. "Why'd you make it unbreakable and put it outside of my common room?"

"He's your best friend and I was there for the whole thing, Salazar. You were drunk and you say the cruelest things when you're drunk."

"I mean it though."

"Wait, you apologized for calling me a…" She trailed off, unable to continue.

"You are a floppy—hi, Mister Black!"

"You said you didn't mean it!"

"No, I said I was sorry for saying it."

"I'll hurt you, I'll hurt you where it hurts."

"Not in _my_ gonads."

"Ugh…" Black ran off with that simple sentiment.

"Godric said you were caught up with the nymphs?"

"Yeah." He avoided eye contact, hating how nervous it made him to speak of such things with her. Helga had been nothing but…

"Don't make a halfbreed, okay?" He received a kiss to the cheek that made his heart sing.

"Do you think we could remove the statue now?" Rowena gave the sweetest grin.

"Nope!"

* * *

not even his strongest spells had made a dent on Rowena's enchantments and that ugly statue. Salazar was perfect for weaving in runic enchantments, but had been lazy when it came to studying wand enchantments…

"I give up." He grimaced as he noticed the plaque, written in roman letters.

_SALAZAR SLYTHERIN_

"Sir Salazar—"

"Ah… Mister Gaunt, kindly tell the other professors that my presence is required in the forests." It had been a long time since he had left, having watched for the last year as the others had had their adventures and had come back with stories… he needed to let loose and his father _had_ been from the land he was thinking of heading to…

"Yes, sir." He had quite the crush on Salazar, so he knew that the Gaunt boy would remember his orders. He began walking without hesitation towards the dungeon exit and smiled back at him when she spoke up. "Sir Salazar…"

For a moment he said nothing. "Yes?"

"Be safe, I—" He took off running, unwilling to hear his next words. His sisters were interested as well, but they had long since decided not to have anything to do with students about such things.

"Damn, that was close!" He grimaced as a centaur, all too familiar, hollered at him, clearly drunk. "You've come to try the moon gate out?"

"It _is_ the full moon!"

"Mm, have fun…"

[linebreak]

His father had schooled him in proper Greek and proper Latin… so he vaguely understood what was being said around him.

"You will serve us." The leader stated, "If you survive, you will be rewarded with…" Here, the woman's face twisted in distaste. "A _bride_."

Everyone gasped and flinched before spitting.

"No good language." He answered in Latin.

"Do you need the Kiss of Knowledge?" There were giggles as he blushed; each woman was buxom with a pretty face, though many had scars that seemed to add to their beauty. Kissing was something he had avoided from a young age and—she did it anyway, leaving him with a headache and a quick chance to pass out.

* * *

A little girl was his reward—only fifteen-years-old—and he had left her in a scheme of his that would leave her untouchable by _anything_ according to the runes he had used, though she'd be unconscious for it.

On to more pressing matters…

"Bloody hell, woman, get off of me!"

"Oh, Salazar, your snake missed you _so_ much!" He winced as Rowena gave his willy a subtle brush with her palm.

"What happened with her?"

"She's in the lake." Salazar groaned, Tegan hated leaving the water and it was getting colder so…

"Let me get her…" He ran from her, not noticing the signs of sexual frustration that showed on her face.

* * *

Salazar Slytherin, you lucky dog you…

So yeah, the next generation of Amazons are Parcelmouths and the girl who is now married to Salazar will have a role in the next story after about… fourth year if my mental outline is adhered to. Leave if you liked it or if you're interested in being a beta because I will gladly admit that my style needs work and help.

In the beginning we went over that monkey statue that was seen in the second book and ended on an OC that will play a role in fifth year _if_ my plans are followed.


End file.
